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How to begin…

January 13, 2012

Today there is snow on the ground. I like snow. It has a way of calming and quieting things.
Someone told me recently that it might be important to blog about what I (my family) am going though. Perhaps putting it out there, even as terrifyingly vulnerable as I am right now, may not only help me but other mothers and families as well. I started this blog in the first place as a way to connect, share, inspire. While I typically prefer to keep this a positive space, the reality is I’m struggling right now.
You see, my dear friends, l’m suffering from postpartum depression… or more accurately, postpartum anxiety.
I write this post from a hospital bed on a Nook borrowed from a kind friend. I have been in the hospital for just about a week.
After the birth of sweet Baby N, I found myself sick. I couldn’t keep anything down for days. I thought I had the flu.
Eventually I found myself in my local emergency room with an inflamed pancreas, twenty pounds lighter, and terrified. What on Earth was happening to me?
As it turns out, postpartum anxiety (or depression) can manifest itself in many ways, including making you physically ill. And please hear me when I say it is very real and truly can happen to anyone.
There is so much more to say and I miss my babies so much I ache. For now though, the only thing to do is take it one moment at a time.
Thank you for your kind words and support… And most espescially thank you to the family and friends that have rallied around my family during this challenging time.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. January 13, 2012 1:11 pm

    Oh, dear. This is the part that I hate about cyber friends. I wish I could run over and give you a real hug. Virtual chicken soup never tastes that good and I can offer you nothing more than words – and typed words at that.

    Know that I have been thinking about you for the last two weeks. Know that I have been praying for you, wondering where you’d gone, hoping that you and your family were all okay. Know that you are loved.


  2. Marianne permalink
    January 13, 2012 1:18 pm

    I was admiring the toddler cowl pattern on Ravelry and found your blog…and you. During this difficult time try to bring calming thoughts by simply saying something to yourself…the one I have used is …”life is unfolding the way it should”…which helps take the pressure off of you to be in control, and allow what comes next to simply happen. You have people around you who love you and you can let them take care of you, so you can focus on only what is important now. Anxiety is horrible but can be managed and eased and it goes away! I am a Waldorf parenting teacher and was struck by your words about warmth in the cowl posting…now you need to allow yourself to be surrounded by the warmth of the love of your family, your angel who is always nearby and the friends far and wide who appreciate your words. Yes, one step at a time, and soon this too will be behind you…leaving you to bring warmth to your family and most importantly to yourself. Many blessings and when you are home again…accept all the help that is offered and be gentle with yourself!!

  3. Jackie permalink
    January 13, 2012 1:24 pm

    I had my baby 3.5 months ago. While PPD and anxierty did not show in me as physical illness, I just got the diagnosis a week ago. I have had depression in the past and very minor PPD with my first baby but nothing like this time. While I do not feel like hurting myself or my kids, the hurt is deep and stronger than I have ever felt. I’m angry all the time and have little to no patience. I finally had to get help when I started acting completely out of character and tried to destroy my marriage. I felt like a failure, like why can I not control this? But I knew deep down that I needed help. It’s very hard to talk about but thank you for sharing. I think this is something that should be talked about more often so new mothers do not feel alone if those feelings, symptoms, etc develop. I hope you start to feel better soon.

  4. Tez permalink
    January 13, 2012 1:51 pm

    I wish you much courage and strength as you stabilize and get treatment. Rest, rest, rest. Your mind, body and soul need to rest and allow the meds to settle in. I was in a similar place, many years ago, and that doesn’t make me knowledgeable about how it is going for you, but it helps me imagine what might be happening in you and I simply offer you my thoughts of peace and serenity. Do you read “The Feminist Breeder”? If you have energy or inclination, I would encourage you to connect with her. Common ground can be oh so comforting.

  5. Meissa permalink
    January 13, 2012 1:58 pm

    I’m so very sorry, Carrie. I suffered from this after Seth was born and I totally understand what your going through. If you need a shoulder or a listening ear, I am here for you! *hugs*

    PPD is something very real and very scary. It’s hard for people to understand how bad it really is unless they have been through it.

    I wish I could help in person, but know I’m thinking of you and am here if you need me.

  6. January 13, 2012 4:15 pm

    We love you

  7. Michelle permalink
    January 13, 2012 4:22 pm

    Much love to you and your beautiful babies. You are in my prayers and I look forward to knowing you are feeling well again! Love, Michelle

  8. Mindy Baker permalink
    January 13, 2012 4:36 pm

    I think it’s great that you are talking about it. There are probably a bunch of mothers benefiting from reading this post right now and knowing that they are not alone. You are not alone either. We love you!

  9. January 13, 2012 6:14 pm

    remember that each mother whom has given birth goes through this ! you are not alone. we are all here for you. get the help you need. your babies will need you and always will…your job right now is to become healthy physically and emotionally. YOU are in our prayers. i went through the same emotions with each of mine. i had friends deny their symptoms then become ill both physically and emotionally and refused help. YOU my friend are doing the right choice by getting help.
    mother’s need to know this happens and it is not something to be ashamed of.
    you are a powerhouse ! rest, get well…love to you and your family

  10. January 13, 2012 9:11 pm

    oh Carrie, Thank you so much for opening up and sharing what is going on with you all. I will be praying that you heal soon. My older sister suffered from PPD after the birth of her 4th. It is real, its hard, and you are brave sharing it here. Hugs to you!!

  11. January 14, 2012 8:02 pm

    I suffered with postpartum anxiety and panic attacks after my first. I couldn’t sleep well, and I would freak out at the idea of my husband going back to work (he travels). I ended up going with him a few times because I was afraid of having a panic attack, thinking I was dying, and afraid what could happen to baby if I died.

    It was only when I started sharing with (mostly) online friends that I was able get on the road to recovery. I’m glad that you’re reaching out, and that you’ve already gotten some medical help. Prayers for you and your family as you find your way to recovery!

  12. Sara S-V permalink
    January 15, 2012 2:15 am

    God speed for a quick recovery. And thank you for sharing in the midst of it all….as tough as it is…you are stronger.


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